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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

To the Death of Mr. Ugly & a Clean Floor

It is 10:30 am on Wednesday, January 11, 2012. My boys are at school. My husband is at the office. The animals have been watered and fed. The laundry is done, folded, and put away. The sun is even shining. I'm free as a bird, for the next several hours at least, and can do pretty much what ever I please. So why is it that I am so incredibly unmotivated to do anything? Someone asked me this morning how it is I manage to be so calm. In response I speculated as to whether or not I am actually alive.....it feels an awfully lot like depression. Not the sort of depression where you are in a blue funk, or things just aren't going the way you want them to. This is the sort of depression that lingers on the edges of life and the living like a yawning chasm waiting to suck the unawares in. This is the sort of depression that I've spent years struggling against. It is not my friend. When Mr. Ugly (the specter formerly known as clinical depression) appears the best thing for me to do is to keep busy. It is not the time to write blog posts, or be creative with quilts. Those are both things that I love and enjoy. Mr. Ugly calls them a selfish and expensive indulgence that no one really enjoys. He is such a buzz kill. And, although intellectually I know that he is wrong, emotionally I am frail as cobwebs and steer clear. I know my creative self is not up to the battle. Sooooo, you haven't heard much from me lately. (Enter Mr. Ugly saying, "Like anyone would miss you!"). Funny, I have a hard time working up a passion about nearly everything....except my disdain for Mr. Ugly. I passionately hate his nasty evil self and his hold on my life. If he were a person I think I might even be able to murder the s.o.b. Just imagining it makes me smile. Weird isn't it?! For those of you reading this who really do care, and I believe you exist despite Ugly rumors to the contrary, yes, I have taken Rx for years. I currently take Ephexor and am working with my Dr to get off of it. Seems silly at the moment....why would you quit taking something that is so effective at slaying the beast? Side effects....oh yeah....when you run out you suddenly feel like you have the flu. Pray for me friends. I know I will be fine, God has his hands on me. For my part....I think I will mop the floor. It has been a very long time since it was last done. I'll be able to see my progress. It will smell good. AND with each squeeze of the mob I'm going to imagine ringing Mr. Ugly's scrawny neck. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

5 comments:

Lynne said...

Oh, Cindy! I have been wondering where you are. I know that black hole and don't want to ever visit it again! It's always just one or two steps behind though! You are definitely in my prayers. Strangle away!!

Michelle said...

I felt like you do, and have around this time of year for a few years. Also, I haven't been myself for a very long time. I decided I didn't want to go on another RX, so I started taking Sam-E. I've only been on it for a week and a half, so not really sure if it's helping or not, but I hope it does. It's not cheap either, but my hubby says if it works, he'll buy me a bathtub full. Hope you feel better soon.

Janine said...

Tell Mr Ugly we do miss you but we'll still be here when you come back. Take care of yourself :)

Issabella The Cat said...

The only experience I had to help me empathise with you was PND after my daughter was born and boy did that suck butt! Go and busy yourself and than take a moment to be proud of your accomplishments! You've got your house in order and your kids off to school, thats one up on me....must find a duster.... :D

GIO said...

Hi Cindy, I know the feeling, even if I'm not too acquainted with Mr Ugly... cleaning sessions also work for me, but in order to really get rid of the apathy, I must take the whole thing to the uncluttering level... which means almost always in house redecoration...
By the way, WELCOME BACK and let's hope you'll be up and about in your sewing room creating and sharing your treasures with all of us!!!!