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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wachet Auf! pt 1


Sleeping

Sleepers Awake!
 
I can't remember the music...but I remember the title, and the urgency of the message.  Years ago I studied this beautiful Cantata by J. S. Bach.  Lately the words seem to be resonating in my head...nudging my hands to write...even though my soul is reluctant.
  
 

Funeral of a Child
 
 
A little over ten years ago my daddy died of a sudden heart attach.  Not long after his 68th birthday, I got a call in the middle of the night telling me to come quickly, not that it mattered.  He was gone long before I got there. 
 
People play,"what were you doing when."   I honestly don't remember what I was doing when I first heard about 9-11.    I'm pretty sure that my first thought was to my then small children.  Life had to stay "normal" for them.  However, I still remember what I was doing when I got the call about my dad.  Nothing has been normal since.
 
Therapy
 
Not long after that I started taking anti-depressants.  In those first days it was all I could do to knit a child's sock.  My hands trembled.  I cried all the time.  I don't think I did much except knit that sock and watch old movies.   At one point I was taking as much as 350 mg of Ephexor, as well as Ambien to keep me from grinding my teeth at night.  It was then that I quit taking pictures of my kids and keeping photo albums for them.  I didn't want to think about what I had lost.
 
A few months later my husband left.  Those were dark, dark days.  I was filled with the terror of an abandoned mom with three little ones to look after, a house full of pets, and no job.  I hadn't worked in years...my job then was to take care of my boys.  He left on a Sunday in May....told me to have a nice life and forget about him. 
 
BUT
 

God is good.  Even then He was taking care of me.

Rae Mirror 3

The dogs got loose one day.  Just as I was mustering the boys to go look for them I got a phone call.  A stranger had gone to their car to run some errands and no sooner had the door opened than my dogs jumped in.  Honest.  She wanted to know if I was home because she wanted to drop them off for me.  How amazing is that?!

My dear one headed to the mountains to have it out with God.  I am sure I will never know the whole story but he did tell me about ranting on the top of the mountain.  Screaming at our Father and begging for the pending lightning storm to rid him of this life.  All I can think of is Captain Dan in Forrest Gump, tied to the mast of a shrimp trawler during a hurricane.  In short, God won.  Gilbert came home.  Last March we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Skiing Santa
 
All of that to say....last week I finally got off of all the drugs.  You'd think it would be as easy as not taking them, but it isn't.  Ephexor has horrible withdrawal issues.    I feel like I am awakening from a long dream....like Scrooge on Christmas morning....although I don't think I was ever as bad as Ol' Ebeneezer.

I am awake at last, and it is Christmas.

 
Skiing Santa
Made for me by my friend Kay Moulder!
 
What a wonderful, wonderful thing.

6 comments:

Lynne said...

I have two very close family members on Ephexor, one desperately trying to come off, the other continually asking for increased doses. I have experienced the highs and lows of depression (unmedicated) so I understand --a little-- of what you've been through. I share with you a wonder at God's faithfulness towards us and an absolute trust in Him to know what is best for me.

Welcome back, dear Cindy. Happy Christmas!

Susan Standen said...

What a beautifully written post that bares so much of yourself to us. I just wish I could reach across the ocean and give you a hug. You are hugely brave, but also hugely loved - both by your family and your God.

Janine said...

Cindy, you are such a dear, sweet, brave person. I wish you were here so I could hug you! From everything I've heard, it's really tough stopping those drugs - you've done really well and I hope you'll soon start to feel a lot better :)

Deb@asimplelifequilts said...

This must have been a tough post to write. I've been through major depression myself and am now able to look back and feel lucky that all I lost was my career. Life went on and brought me to where I am now... comfortable in my skin and content with how I'm managing my limitations. I had terrible side effects with Effexor and was only on it a short period of time before moving on to the next in a long list. I've been med free for about 5 years and keeping fingers crossed that the "black cloud" stays away. Hugs to you.

Carla said...

Oh my heart! I can't imagine. I lost my father very suddenly too. He was 67. Reading your post brought it all back. I do miss him every day. So happy for you the clouds have parted.
Blessings on you and yours.
Happy anniversary

benta atSLIKstitches said...

Oh Cindi, brave girl, huge step- sending you a virtual hug xxx