Wachet Auf! pt 1

Sleepers Awake!

 

I can't remember the music...but I remember the title, and the urgency of the message.  Years ago I studied this beautiful Cantata by J. S. Bach.  Lately the words seem to be resonating in my head...nudging my hands to write...even though my soul is reluctant.

  

 



 

 

A little over ten years ago my daddy died of a sudden heart attach.  Not long after his 68th birthday, I got a call in the middle of the night telling me to come quickly, not that it mattered.  He was gone long before I got there. 

 

People play,"what were you doing when."   I honestly don't remember what I was doing when I first heard about 9-11.    I'm pretty sure that my first thought was to my then small children.  Life had to stay "normal" for them.  However, I still remember what I was doing when I got the call about my dad.  Nothing has been normal since.

 

 

Not long after that I started taking anti-depressants.  In those first days it was all I could do to knit a child's sock.  My hands trembled.  I cried all the time.  I don't think I did much except knit that sock and watch old movies.   At one point I was taking as much as 350 mg of Ephexor, as well as Ambien to keep me from grinding my teeth at night.  It was then that I quit taking pictures of my kids and keeping photo albums for them.  I didn't want to think about what I had lost.

 

A few months later my husband left.  Those were dark, dark days.  I was filled with the terror of an abandoned mom with three little ones to look after, a house full of pets, and no job.  I hadn't worked in years...my job then was to take care of my boys.  He left on a Sunday in May....told me to have a nice life and forget about him. 

 

BUT

 



God is good.  Even then He was taking care of me.

The dogs got loose one day.  Just as I was mustering the boys to go look for them I got a phone call.  A stranger had gone to their car to run some errands and no sooner had the door opened than my dogs jumped in.  Honest.  She wanted to know if I was home because she wanted to drop them off for me.  How amazing is that?!

My dear one headed to the mountains to have it out with God.  I am sure I will never know the whole story but he did tell me about ranting on the top of the mountain.  Screaming at our Father and begging for the pending lightning storm to rid him of this life.  All I can think of is Captain Dan in Forrest Gump, tied to the mast of a shrimp trawler during a hurricane.  In short, God won.  Gilbert came home.  Last March we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

 

All of that to say....last week I finally got off of all the drugs.  You'd think it would be as easy as not taking them, but it isn't.  Ephexor has horrible withdrawal issues.    I feel like I am awakening from a long dream....like Scrooge on Christmas morning....although I don't think I was ever as bad as Ol' Ebeneezer.

I am awake at last, and it is Christmas.

 

Made for me by my friend Kay Moulder!

 

What a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Simple Pleasures

I must be sick. Who take a photo of their dish cupboard?

Someone with new dishes?! We bought pretty dishes to go with our new house when we moved in....14 years ago. I loved them. Lately, they have been looking a bit shabby. When did they get all of those chips and where did the design get off to? I mentioned it to my dh, who casually asked me about my choice for replacing them. On a lark I said Fiesta Ware. Wouldn't it be fun to have dishes that didn't match at all so that they always matched no matter how many pieces got broken? He must have felt flush...cuz he bought a set of 12 place settings, each one a different color.

As I was putting them up this morning it suddenly dawned on me that the stack of crazy color made me happy. It is like a quilt I can eat off of. I find myself wondering which color I will have lunch on. After some reflection, I think these suit us just right now. My life has changed.

25 years ago, when I was newly married and just setting up house, everything was sweet and girly. Our home was decorated in Mauve and Colonial Blue.....a.k.a. Pink and blue.....designs had soft edges and were thematically hearts and bunnies...fancy embroidery....lace collars.

Enter the toddler years and three little boys....I veered toward the whimsical and steadfast. Bunnies and hearts were replaced by kites, cowboys, and sailing ships. My brick-a-brack disappeared and the china was replaced with wood and wrought iron. (Things that are harder to break.) My color scheme got darker and bolder. (Hides dirt better) My storage system from pretty shelving to rubbermaid. (Keeps out dust and dirt, and is easier for little hands to help with.)

Now....my boys are mostly grown. Our home isn't so much decorated as lived in. The walls are lined with quilts. (Still very hard to break, but with the added bonus of increased insulative properties) Big quilts, mini quilts, quilts on old extension ladders, quilts as table toppers and runners. Quilts and colors are everywhere I look, and everywhere I look I enjoy another little quilt, another color, another swapping friend. They make me happy. (Way better than Prozac or Ephexor or diet and exercise ever did.)

It is all so different than where I started. Different than what I expected, although I don't know what that was. All of this to say that having a plan is nice...but, in retrospect, enjoying the journey is better.


That is one reason why I don't participate in the various WIP and UFO projects in blog land. I don't want to spend my time bemoaning how much I didn't get done. How much my life isn't going according to plan. I trust that the one who made me has it all worked out. No matter what I accomplish, His plans are so much better, that even if it looks like crap I am confident that it will be glorious eventually. I trust Him far more than I trust me.

Thank You Jesus for bright colors and clothes that fit off of the rack, and my home that makes me smile...even through the dust and dog hair and stinky boy socks.

To the Death of Mr. Ugly & a Clean Floor

It is 10:30 am on Wednesday, January 11, 2012. My boys are at school. My husband is at the office. The animals have been watered and fed. The laundry is done, folded, and put away. The sun is even shining. I'm free as a bird, for the next several hours at least, and can do pretty much what ever I please. So why is it that I am so incredibly unmotivated to do anything? Someone asked me this morning how it is I manage to be so calm. In response I speculated as to whether or not I am actually alive.....it feels an awfully lot like depression. Not the sort of depression where you are in a blue funk, or things just aren't going the way you want them to. This is the sort of depression that lingers on the edges of life and the living like a yawning chasm waiting to suck the unawares in. This is the sort of depression that I've spent years struggling against. It is not my friend. When Mr. Ugly (the specter formerly known as clinical depression) appears the best thing for me to do is to keep busy. It is not the time to write blog posts, or be creative with quilts. Those are both things that I love and enjoy. Mr. Ugly calls them a selfish and expensive indulgence that no one really enjoys. He is such a buzz kill. And, although intellectually I know that he is wrong, emotionally I am frail as cobwebs and steer clear. I know my creative self is not up to the battle. Sooooo, you haven't heard much from me lately. (Enter Mr. Ugly saying, "Like anyone would miss you!"). Funny, I have a hard time working up a passion about nearly everything....except my disdain for Mr. Ugly. I passionately hate his nasty evil self and his hold on my life. If he were a person I think I might even be able to murder the s.o.b. Just imagining it makes me smile. Weird isn't it?! For those of you reading this who really do care, and I believe you exist despite Ugly rumors to the contrary, yes, I have taken Rx for years. I currently take Ephexor and am working with my Dr to get off of it. Seems silly at the moment....why would you quit taking something that is so effective at slaying the beast? Side effects....oh yeah....when you run out you suddenly feel like you have the flu. Pray for me friends. I know I will be fine, God has his hands on me. For my part....I think I will mop the floor. It has been a very long time since it was last done. I'll be able to see my progress. It will smell good. AND with each squeeze of the mob I'm going to imagine ringing Mr. Ugly's scrawny neck. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad